Well...that was FUN!

This morning, I was snuggled under the covers so nicely against my husband when he frantically jumped out of bed. You see, the snooze button we both kept hitting repeatedly? It was telling us that he was twenty minutes late for work.

The fun part is this: when Josh jumped out of bed, so did I. But not because I was late. I jumped out of bed, getting hopelessly tangled in the sheets in the process because I had the craziest charlie horse of my life in my left calf. I had to jump up and down and stand on my tippy toes for a good minute to get it to go away. That sucker was HUGE...it was a bulge about the size of a lime sticking out the back of my leg! And it hurt like a son of a...

So. Another fun pregnancy symptom in the books, or am I just in dire need of some banana consumption? My flipping leg still hurts. Excuse me, I'm off to do some yoga or something...ow.

Panic!

Honestly, sometimes I think I should just change my middle name to panic...or worry....because those are the two things that seem to define me.

I woke up this morning, blurry eyed and signing on to Dr. Google because I was sure something bad was happening to me. I woke up with a stiff, sore feeling across the middle of my back. Definitely not my lower back but up almost around my waist.

I searched and searched and kept seeing the dreaded words. Miscarriage. Not normal. Infection. (Yes, I literally do this to myself.) And then I remembered in all my early morning clarity that I had spent the previous night on an air mattress. An air mattress that was not fully inflated, mind you. I slapped myself in the forehead for being so crazy, took a tylenol and went back to lay down in bed. What do ya know, but I woke up a couple hours later feeling 100% better. Uhm, hi, remember me? I'm the crazy pregnant lady! *Waves enthusiastically*

I really really need to stop doing this to myself. This pregnancy has been progressing so normally its like I convince myself that the other shoe is eventually going to drop. Why? Why am I like this? Why can't I be one of those normal pregnant mommies who just embraces every little tweak and tug as something that happens and not something to fear?! Oh...because the worst has happened to me before. I am ruined for life.

I know how crazy I sound right now. I really do. I hope one day, I'll be able to look back over this post and laugh at myself and how obsessive I was as a first time mom. I know that back pain is indeed a pregnancy symptom and not really a symptom of horrendous things unless it is accompanied by cramping or bleeding. I have neither of those things so I just need to calm down. This morning I was literally planning the rest of my day in my head. Do I go to the Emergency Room? My normal doctor? My obgyn? Ugh. Now I am sitting here shaking my head at myself and wishing I was not the worrier that I am.

My tylenol is indeed wearing off and the stiff feeling is coming back but I will not succumb to panic again. I will have a cool head and not stress...because really, if anything is going to happen to me or my baby it is probably going to be because I stressed myself sick about it. My mantra for the rest of this pregnancy is going to be: breathe. relax. repeat. *Deep breath*

A New Project

Well, besides the monumental task of growing a healthy little human inside of me, I wanted to start a weekly photo project that illustrated all the weeks of my pregnancy. I think it will be a wonderful thing one day to be able to put in a book for our future baby.

I have worked as a photographer before and am still learning all the ins and outs of this crazy thing called photoshop, but for a quick weekly project I think this will be cute. I am also currently obsessed with aqua blue and red together, hence the color scheme.

Here is the first of what I hope is many more: The Bump at 7 weeks!

Please take note of mama's little helper, Charlie, keeping guard over me from the hallway. Ever since we found out, he has been more attached and sweet and cuddly to me. I think he knows.

7 Weeks and Hitting the Wall

Oh My LORD.

By far, my number one pregnancy symptom at the moment is just sheer and utter exhaustion. I don't quite understand it either. I am taking my prenatal vitamin religiously which is packed full of nutrients I normally do not get. I have been eating so much more healthy than I normally do because thankfully, I have been craving things like yogurt, cucumbers and celery. So with all these added vitamins and better food, you would think I would feel fantastic...but I don't.

What I feel like is that I got hit by a bus. Today, I woke up at 6:30 am because I had to pee so bad. Then I snuggled back under the covers until my alarm went off at 8:00, and I woke up just now. At 12:46 pm! I slept through my alarm (which goes off multiple times) and completely missed my classes today. That really sucks for me, because I had a test in one of them...and the professor does not allow you to make them up. Thankfully, he will drop your lowest test score at the end of the semester. I do believe this will be my lowest. Ugh!

I've been going to bed by ten every night, sleeping straight through until ten every morning (if I don't have school or work) and then I am ready for another nap by about three in the afternoon. I ask you, is this normal?! This cannot be normal...but yet everything I have ever read about early pregnancy says it is. Bleh.

Another thing I have been experiencing lately is extreme emotions. Mostly the crying variety. Went to a movie with my mom over the weekend, and we were the last ones out of the theater because I was a blubbering mess trying to control myself. A 30 second preview of a film about a horse had me doing the whole gasping back sobs thing. And don't even get me started on any beautiful music that might come across my ears. I have always been sensitive to music, but right now? The goosebumps emerge and tears start streaking down my face before I even know what happened. Hello, I'm the crazy pregnant woman!

Peeing continues to be the biggest pain of all time. In said movie, I had to be the annoying girl flip flopping down the stairs 3 times in a 2 hour movie. This surely was not helped by the fact that I have been literally dying of thirst lately. It's a great thing, but I have been drinking like a gallon of water every day. And my prenatals are turning my urine into this totally  gross Mountain Dew color of greenish yellow. Awesome.

Right now, I am beginning to wonder if part of my exhaustion and the funky headache taking over my life lately has a little to do with the fact that I have cut out caffeine completely! For me, that is a big deal. Huge. I have to have caffeine to function. And I completely cut it out. I don't regret it because I want what is best for my baby, but man I am feeling like I am floating through life on a little cloud. Completely oblivious most of the time. Despite the fact that I have cut caffeine, my body has been craving Coke. And so my darling husband came home with a 12 pack of caffeine free Coke for me the other day. It was so delicious...but somehow not the same. And he laughs at me because I call them "pimp cans" because the caffeine free variety is in a gaudy gold and red can. I'm weird, I know.

In general, besides all the extensive shit I just whined about up there, I alternate between feeling starving or feeling utterly nauseous like I never want to eat ever again. When I am feeling hungry, my current obsession? Cereal. With almond milk because I do not do well with regular milk. Honey Nut Cheerios and Honey Bunches of Oats are my poison of choice. Yum.

I just woke up and I am already dreading the rest of my day. I hope I can make it through without collapsing. I think the key to survival is going to be a big big smoothie from Jamba Juice which is the only thing that even sounds a little appetizing right now, despite the fact that it is only barely 60 degrees outside today. Whew. Here I go.

6 weeks!

One more day, one more step closer to having a sweet baby in my arms at the end of all this. We have hit the six week mark baby!

I had a ROUGH day yesterday. I just woke up feeling icky and that feeling continued throughout the day. As opposed to the last two weeks that I have been starving, yesterday (and today so far) just absolutely nothing sounds good. I think I probably made the gaggy nauseous feeling way worse by not eating a whole lot yesterday, but I just could not bring myself to put away food. I was also oddly dizzy off and on all day. I know it was not dehydration because I have been drinking a lot of water. I figured it was just another new symptom. Although now I am thinking it might be due to my prenatal vitamin.

I am staying with my mom for the remainder of the week because my husband is in New Mexico visiting his grandparents. There was no way I could get the time off of work, but I encouraged him to go because he really deserved a vacation. It was honestly so much harder than I thought saying goodbye to him yesterday! I cried and did not want to let go of him. We really have not spent a single day apart from each other since we started dating back in 2006! Its amazing the comfort you get just from having the person you love around. It's been a very quiet 24 hours so far.

I barely got any sleep last night because my little Charlie critter just did not settle down at all being in a 'new place'...he was whining at the bedroom door all night. When I would let him out he was automatically in my mom's backyard barking his little head off. And he is LOUD. I swear I love him but I almost killed him last night. I was finally able to get some solid sleep this morning from about 6-8 but then my old bed (which I used to love!) was really hurting my back. Its a very soft bed...and no matter which way I turned I just sunk in too much and it didn't feel very good. Maybe I'm just fatter now? Lol.

Speaking of fatter, I actually am down 4 pounds from my weight over last weekend. Could be all the nausea lately but I'm thinking it had more to do with the fact that I was pretty darn constipated for a good week before things finally *ahem* moved along this week. I feel a lot less bloated and I think I look a little skinnier. But I'll be darned if losing some of the water weight around my tummy has not led to a pretty obvious tiny baby bump. I know I am probably just paranoid, but I felt like my boss was eyeballing my stomach yesterday.

Here is the "bump":

Excuse the poor cell phone pic quality but am I wrong in thinking that little lump is something? You can tell its not just water weight/bloat because the love handles I had just a few days ago are gone. And the rest of my tummy is flat up til that point. Down really low in my abdomen, it feels like a hard little knot under my skin.

Other than what I already mentioned, my boobs are just getting bigger and sorer by the day. I cannot really sleep on my sides anymore because the gravity pulling my boobs down just flipping hurts like a mother. :) Despite all the yuckiness and pain, I actually love it because it means this is REAL!

5 weeks 4 days

Today I bought an E.P.T from the grocery store just as sort of a reassurance to myself. I already had three very positive Dollar Tree tests, but I needed something a little more concrete. Lately, since I am such a pro at "peeing on a stick" that its pretty much a hobby of mine (I'm only slightly kidding here), I have determined that it's much easier to pee in a cup and dip the stick rather than peeing all over myself trying to pee on the stick. That was a lot of the word "pee" in one sentence. I'm sorry.

I came home from my classes today complete with lunch for my sweet husband who is on vacation this week. In my lunch bag though was the EPT. I swear I sneak them around like contraband, because my husband rolls his eyes at me. He thinks one positive is enough to stop obsessing. And it should be! But for me, it just is not.

I did the whole pee in a cup, dip the stick and set it flat on the counter thing. As the dye moved across the window, I could already see a positive result forming. Before the 3 minute mark was even up, the vertical (positive) part of the plus sign was darker than the horizontal (control) line. I did have this sense of just knowing but it felt damn good to be reassured by that perfect pink plus sign.

I walked out of the bathroom proudly and waved my pee stick in husbands face. He is hilariously grossed out by them, even though I've explained time and again that the only part that has my urine on it is covered by a cap. He was confused on how to read this particular test. Every other test he's seen so far has been two pink vertical lines. Once he figured it out however, he looked up at me, raised his eyebrows and said, "yep. You're knocked up alright." :)

As I said in my earlier post, some of this first time pregnancy romance has lost its novelty because of how our true first pregnancy ended. We are both cautiously optimistic but not much more than that. In all honesty, I am so nervous to schedule my first appointment or ultrasound until 8 weeks when I know for.sure that there will be something to see. I just don't think I can bear going in for a 6 week ultrasound and being told they see no heartbeat or something.

Of course, there is the distinct possibility that I am farther along than I think I am. After all, I am not sure if the two days of bleeding I experienced in August actually were a period or not. Right after I stopped bleeding I took a pregnancy test and it was undeniably negative so that makes me feel better that my HCG levels had dropped off. Hopefully, with this unexpected pregnancy so soon after a complication, everything will be A-okay.

I am definitely feeling so much rounder in the belly already, although I am positive that is because of bloating. I actually found a tiny little stretch mark on the back of my hip just above my butt...you know that sexy muffin top area? I don't know if it's always been there or if it is my first stretch mark. If I'm already getting them at 5 weeks, I am terrified to see what happens next. My boobs are still ungodly huge. Its actually kind of grossing me out. I only just recently in life have put on enough weight to be classed "normal weight" rather than on the verge of underweight so boobs were a new novelty to me anyway. These huge crazy things are just shocking. And they flipping HURT. I pretty much sleep in a bra anyways but I can barely move at night.

I bought these otc prenatals that I actually am doing fine with. I thought I would struggle with swallowing them because they are gigantic. I made the mistake of taking them in the morning for a couple of days and felt like absolute crap for a couple hours afterward. Now, I just take them right after dinner with a big glass of water and seem to be fine.

The pregnancy symptom driving me the most insane would be the peeing every flipping five minutes. And this is totally gross, but a few days ago I had something happen to me in the bathroom that had me frantically searching Dr. Google for a good twenty minutes. Thankfully every single thing I read confirmed it: it is a definite sign of pregnancy and nothing else. When I went pee, I wiped several times and each time, big stretchy globs of yellow snot-like cervical mucus came off on the toilet paper. (Super yuck, I know.) It literally looked like what snot looks like when you have a bad sinus infection. According to lots of prego-sites, this is a sure fire sign of building up the mucus plug...which is a very good thing.

Other than that, I have just been extremely tired and craving odd things at odd times. For instance, guacamole is my new favorite thing at any and all moments. And yesterday I just HAD to have eggs benedict even though I know hollendaise is a no-no. So strange. While I absolutely love Coke, I have switched to caffeine free so that I am not inadvertently doing anything bad for me or the baby. I actually have been craving water. Like chugging it. And very very strange for me (normally a huge ice water fan - the colder and more packed full of ice the better) I have just been wanting to drink it from the tap...sorta tepid. Not cold but not warm. Weird.

First Milestone - 5 weeks.

I realized today that I have made it past the point of last pregnancy. For some reason that makes me feel very reassured and safe.

This time around, I am oddly at peace with everything. I feel much better and much calmer about everything. Last time, I was cramping badly from the day I got my first BFP. This time around, I have little tugging and pulling sensations from time to time but they are far from painful and definitely not constant.

As of today, I am 5 weeks and 2 days. Here are my symptoms. (Keep in mind I read into everything and am way more in touch with my body than most people!)

• Really REALLY sore boobs. Its mostly my left one which has always been a bit bigger than the right. The pain is mostly along the side where my bra is. My nipples have been tingly and a little bit oddly numb. And as if that was not all TMI enough, the nipple of my left boob is constantly uhm...hard. Even when I am not cold/aroused/etc. AWKWARD!
• Peeing approximately every 5 minutes. Not really, but it feels like it. And I'm still doing the obnoxious toilet paper check every.single.time...ya know, just in case. 
• Ahem - a lot of wetness going on down there. Super disgusting. Sometimes I feel like I straight up wet myself. Isn't this a beautiful time???
• I've been having pretty constant nausea surround by bouts of absolute ravenous appetite. Something will sound good, I'll start eating and immediately get grossed out by it. 
• The most fun thing? This constant on-the-verge-of-gagging thing going on. No puking so far but honestly I have to fight this gag reflex. Everything triggers it. Even swallowing water. Uhm, this symptom can stop anytime now thanks. 
• I think I might have a UTI because of how frequently I've been peeing/it burns a little when I pee and right above my pubic bone in my abdomen. 
• Slight backaches and headaches, usually helped by just laying down and chilling out.
• TIREDNESS!!!! I am a night owl and I am ready to be in bed by 9:00pm. 
• My first super awkward craving was for V8. Yes. Tomato juice. Probably the most disgusting shit in the world, but it sounded like the best idea. I totally drank it out of a champagne glass and felt super fancy and it was gooooooood. 
• Lastly, I swear I look farther along because I am SO bloated. I cannot even suck it in and sometimes the gas pains are ridiculous. I'm pretty much living on tums. I am starting this pregnancy weighing more than I'd like, so these rising weight numbers are gonna freak me out. I'm only up 2 lbs overall...and I think most of it is water weight from my ginormous and sore boobies.
  
  Here is a picture I took of myself at 5 weeks! I am making the first prenatal apt. this week and I pray to God that I can continue these weekly updates until 42 weeks!
  
  
  
  
  

  
  
  And a close up of just the belly. Granted this shirt has ruffles and adds a few pounds but still!
  

  

And So It Begins

Today has been one of those days that has got me running the emotional Olympics.

I got a BFP today. For those outside of baby loony land, that means I got a positive result on a home pregnancy test.

On the one hand, I am ECSTATIC. And nervous. And giddy. And elated.

But on the other? I am terrified. And trying not to stress myself into crazy zone. Which I know well. I have done it before.

For all of this to make sense, a little back story seems necessary...

My name is Christy. I am a twenty-something, just recently back in school after working my butt off in the retail world for the last several years and finally realizing it is NOT worth it. I married the love of my life last October. His name is Josh. We have been together for 5 years; through crazy teenage angst and jealousy into a lasting, deeply enduring kind of love that I never thought I'd be blessed enough to know.

We have never used birth control of any responsible kind throughout all of our 5 years together. After awhile, both of us started to get scared that maybe we could not even have kids. There was nothing to make either of us feel that way except the obvious: after 5 years, there was not even one baby scare. Looking back now, it is evident how much we were being watched over. Neither of us had good jobs, college degrees and we were not yet married. After our beautiful wedding last year, we immediately began doing "the talk." The talk about what our babies would look like, what names we like and how amazing it would be. We are not fully settled yet, but as everyone we have ever talked to says, "you are never REALLY ready for a baby." We could always be richer, in a bigger place, have better jobs. But the fact of the matter is, we as a couple are READY.

Although we had not started actively trying yet, we were completely open to the idea. I am one of those annoying women who is completely way too in tune with her body. And I just knew something was going on. I was not even late yet but I bought my very first "pee stick." I was set to go out to dinner that night with one of my best friends, so I quickly took the test before hopping in the shower. When I got out, my hands were shaking as I looked down at that pregnancy test. There it was: the faintest of faint lines. But it was still there. Two pink lines. I did not even see my husband until later that night when I got home from dinner. He had some guys over watching a game and so I kept my little secret all through that night. The next day, he got up, went to work and had jobs in the mountains...so no cell service. I did not really want to tell him over the phone anyway so I started plotting.

That night when I got off work, I stopped at a local sports store looking for an infant sized football jersey. Football is the tie that binds our marriage...ironically our teams are rivals. He's a Baltimore Ravens fan and I'm a Pittsburgh Steelers fan. I was initially looking for a mini Ray Rice jersey, but in Colorado it is impossible to find anything besides the super popular teams. So a mini Troy Polomalu jersey it was. I wrapped it and told my husband I could not wait to give him his early birthday present (20 days before his birthday!) He opened it and gave me the raised-eyebrow-I-don't-get-it look. At that point, I lifted up my shirt and showed him my tummy. I had written in big red letters, "Coming Soon!!!" Once he finally understood, he was completely shocked and ecstatic. We danced around, screaming and jumping and crying and shaking our heads in disbelief. It was a beautiful moment.

I went into this life changing event wholeheartedly. I went out the next day and bought the baby books, made my first pre-natal appointment, bought some vitamins and generally just glowed with the knowledge that I was carrying our precious child inside of me. I took SIX more hpts over the next week, because I was just convinced that it could not be true. They all came up positive. According to my last menstrual period, I was estimating that I was around 5 weeks along. The doctor did not want me to come in until 8 weeks, so I scheduled that appointment and tried to relax.

I cannot really explain this very well, but just as I knew I was pregnant I kept having this gut feeling that something was wrong. I was a little crampy and had some lower back pain. According to Dr. Google that is totally normal as long as there is no blood. I had none, so again I tried to relax. Josh and I went on a family camping trip and we decided to just pretend like nothing had changed and try to chill out and just enjoy our time off. When we came back, I took a final HPT (digital this time!) just to convince myself that everything was okay. It came back positive almost immediately. We decided that night that we would tell our immediate family.

5 weeks is extremely early, but it was our first child...we just couldn't hold it in any longer. We called his mom first because she lives far away from us and we wouldn't be able to tell her in person. She cried over the phone and was so unbelievably excited for us. It gave us all the confidence we needed to tell everyone else. My mom got mad at us because we walked in and handed her a pretty gift box with all my positive tests inside it. :) We had a great night celebrating, talking about baby names and waxing poetic about our future baseball player or little ballerina.

As fate would have it, I woke up the next morning and noticed a smear of light pink cervical mucus when I wiped. I tried to shrug it off thinking it might have just been implantation bleeding or something. I did tell Josh and we continued to get ready for work like normal. Suddenly I noticed a wet feeling and went to the bathroom again and there on the toilet paper were a few drops of bright red blood. At any time during pregnancy, blood is scary. But during the earliest weeks when miscarriage is most common, it was absolutely terrifying. I sat crying until 8:00 when I could call the doctor's office. The nurse on the phone reassured me that some spotting in early pregnancy could be completely normal. She told me to take it easy, put my feet up and call back if I started bleeding enough to soak through a pad.

I sent Josh to work and called in myself. I turned on a movie and took some deep breaths. I called my mom and told her what was going on. She also reassured me about all the people she knew that had bleeding in their pregnancies and went on to have perfect babies. I was just starting to calm down when I felt the unmistakeable gush of actual bleeding. I practically ran to the bathroom and within a minute the entire toilet bowl was full of blood. It was bright bright red, not like a period at all. I called the doctor again and she told me to come in right away.

I never wear pads so I don't keep any in the house. I put on a little pantyliner and drove myself to the doctor's office, knowing deep down what was happening to me. My mom met me there and it was so surreal sitting in that lobby full of round bellies and glowing new mommies knowing that I was slowly losing my first child. When I was called back to the exam room, the nurse automatically began setting up the ultrasound machine. I was a little confused by that. She told me to undress, stuck a bunch of medical pads underneath me because I was bleeding so heavily and she left.

Because I was an emergency case, I was squeezed in and could not see my regular doctor. I had never even met this doctor before and she could not have been more rude in my time of crisis. She began by asking me how old I was. I look very young but nevertheless, her tone was much too condescending. I told her this was my first pregnancy. She then looked at the ultrasound machine and literally rolled her eyes. She said, "you're about 5 weeks. That's way too early to be called a real miscarriage." So there it was. She basically told me I was having my period and it was so heavy because it was late. I reminded her that I had gotten multiple positive pregnancy tests over the last week and a half. She seemed to ponder that for awhile and then told me to get dressed and go give a urine sample. She told me if it was positive, they would proceed with the ultrasound.

I went and peed in the cup, bleeding all over myself while doing so. Then I sat there until my results came back. She breezed in and said, "well your urine test was negative so..." I was trying so hard not to fall apart. Clearly she did not realize this was breaking my heart. She did a quick pelvic exam, told me my cervix was low and closed (but did not explain what that meant) and said she couldn't see any tissue. I don't know how she would have through all the blood, but still. She ordered blood tests and a follow up appointment. I was told to go home, wear pads and if the bleeding lasted longer than a week to call them.

So I went home. I was in excruciating pain for two days: both emotionally and physically as something in my heart just knew that drop by drop I was losing our first child. Two days after the bleeding started, I got an extreme pain all throughout my abdomen and down my thighs. These shooting pains kept coming and going until my husband realized they were coming pretty regularly. I went and sat on the toilet just to try to get some relief and ended up passing what looked like a pinkish grey shriveled up walnut. Tissue. I did not pull it out of the toilet. I could not bear to.

The Obgyn called the next day and told me my HCG levels only measured at 8. The rude nurse assured me that it was close to nothing and therefore "barely counted." But she also said with how much I was bleeding, my HCG levels could have dropped very quickly.

I never even got a period before this new BFP arrived in our lives and that has me a little worried and concerned. I am not sure how viable a pregnancy immediately after a miscarriage usually is, but I am still between that rock and a hard place of miscarriage or not? To me, it felt like one no matter what it actually was. But here we are. All I can say is that I feel such a sense of peace this time around. Last time I was a nervous wreck from the start. This time, I am just so calm. It is a blessing and I can only pray that this was meant to be for us this time.

My apologies for the extensive first post, but please follow along with me on this journey into parenthood.