Panic!

Honestly, sometimes I think I should just change my middle name to panic...or worry....because those are the two things that seem to define me.

I woke up this morning, blurry eyed and signing on to Dr. Google because I was sure something bad was happening to me. I woke up with a stiff, sore feeling across the middle of my back. Definitely not my lower back but up almost around my waist.

I searched and searched and kept seeing the dreaded words. Miscarriage. Not normal. Infection. (Yes, I literally do this to myself.) And then I remembered in all my early morning clarity that I had spent the previous night on an air mattress. An air mattress that was not fully inflated, mind you. I slapped myself in the forehead for being so crazy, took a tylenol and went back to lay down in bed. What do ya know, but I woke up a couple hours later feeling 100% better. Uhm, hi, remember me? I'm the crazy pregnant lady! *Waves enthusiastically*

I really really need to stop doing this to myself. This pregnancy has been progressing so normally its like I convince myself that the other shoe is eventually going to drop. Why? Why am I like this? Why can't I be one of those normal pregnant mommies who just embraces every little tweak and tug as something that happens and not something to fear?! Oh...because the worst has happened to me before. I am ruined for life.

I know how crazy I sound right now. I really do. I hope one day, I'll be able to look back over this post and laugh at myself and how obsessive I was as a first time mom. I know that back pain is indeed a pregnancy symptom and not really a symptom of horrendous things unless it is accompanied by cramping or bleeding. I have neither of those things so I just need to calm down. This morning I was literally planning the rest of my day in my head. Do I go to the Emergency Room? My normal doctor? My obgyn? Ugh. Now I am sitting here shaking my head at myself and wishing I was not the worrier that I am.

My tylenol is indeed wearing off and the stiff feeling is coming back but I will not succumb to panic again. I will have a cool head and not stress...because really, if anything is going to happen to me or my baby it is probably going to be because I stressed myself sick about it. My mantra for the rest of this pregnancy is going to be: breathe. relax. repeat. *Deep breath*